I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Whoa 😂
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..