Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.