PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?