Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
somewhere, in an alternate universe
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter