My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You Might Also Like
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.