I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.