I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’m giving up ice.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
#Caturday
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Not recommended for beginners.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)