I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski