Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can鈥檛 stop laughing about it.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
馃摳: @thesproutingsunflower
Selena Gomez鈥檚 friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle鈥檚 friend set her up with a prince and I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Remember they鈥檙e just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Dissecting someone who鈥檚 really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: I鈥檓 pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could鈥檝e died.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend