Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Oh yeah that’s it
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
fired
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*