It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
this is uni
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck