Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.