You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
You Might Also Like
My dress code is business-casualty.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?