“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.