Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.