I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Human are so complicated
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses