CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I can’t stop watching this.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!