eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Bill is short for Billiam
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
#NoRestForTheWicked
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.