I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Super Hand Dog Face
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.