[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
😂😂😂
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]