we’re gonna need another temp
You Might Also Like
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Fiction has to make sense.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”