What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.