YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
They’re stuck in your pants?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.