[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I hope Alan is OK
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.