Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!