Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
#Caturday
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.