Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Put this video in the Louvre
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
No Google it does not
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Noah
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.