Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.