“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO