It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
lmao
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.