Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why