ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
You Might Also Like
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.