Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….