Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?