Sniffing the broccoli
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
58.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…