Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
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Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Twitter is an abusement park.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.