The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.