I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
You Might Also Like
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Geez man, take it easy.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.