Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Brother?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
if my sleeping schedule was a person
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.