jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.