They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.