There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye