brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Sorry. Not sorry
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
How times have changed.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season