me: my friend died in her sleep 馃檨
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Love this one 馃槀馃
If you鈥檙e bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My my husband鈥檚 favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that鈥檚 actually in my hand.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies