No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”