[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
This meal prepping shit is easy
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.