*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
You Might Also Like
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*