The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Saturday
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
WTF IS THAT!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.