Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
next question.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.