Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no